At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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