I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
