Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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