i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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