I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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