I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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