bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You left your phone here
Wait...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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