If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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