Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
