It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
