my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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