You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
