Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
