You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
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