I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
