So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
