I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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