You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
