There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
