Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
