I think my vagina is haunted
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
