dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
