i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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