Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
