so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
