ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
