had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
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