Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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