clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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