6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
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He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash