At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.