So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
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Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!