she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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