watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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