The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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