i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
