I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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