i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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