Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
