I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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