So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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