White coat. Heels.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
