Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
