Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
