He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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