We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
