I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
