my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
