yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
