I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
zippers are such a cool invention
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
