I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
