im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
