Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
