theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Houston, we have a squirter
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
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