he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
