maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
