That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
