my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
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