i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
