What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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