I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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