I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
