she was so not down for the gang bang
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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