hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
